The Ten Rules for Putting Children First

• Never disparage your former spouse in front of your children. Because children know they are "part Mom" and "part Dad," the criticism can batter the child's self-esteem.


• Do not use your children as messengers between you and your former spouse. The less the children feel a part of the battle between their parents, the better.


• Reassure your children that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault.


• Unless your former spouse was a molester, encourage your children to spend time with him or her. Do everything you can to accommodate the visitation.


• At every step during your divorce, remind yourself that your children's interests, not yours, are paramount, and act accordingly.


• Resist the temptation to let your children act as your caretakers. Let your peers, adult family members and mental health professionals be your counselors and sounding boards.


• If you have a drinking or drug problem, get counseling right away. An impairment inhibits your ability to re­assure your children and give them the attention they need at this difficult time.


• If you are the non-custodial parent, pay your child support. The loss of income facing many children after divorce puts them at a disadvantage that has a pervasive effect on the rest of their lives.


• If you are the custodial parent and are not receiving child support, do not complain to your children. It feeds into their sense of abandonment and further erodes their stability.


• If at all possible, do not uproot your children. Stability in their residence and school life helps buffer children from the trauma of their parents' divorce.